The most wonderful time of the year is upon us. Neighbourhoods are covered in lights. Sparkly decorations are up. End-of-year resolutions are being promised (and set up to be broken) and awful Christmas songs (you know the ones) are non-stop playing everywhere, but you’re humming them despite your resentment towards them🎄
And here I am, with an expression worthy of the Grinch, hovering between various mindsets and emotions🫣
I’m grateful I got out of chemo in time to feel this good for the festivities (mostly the food). I’m happy I look healthier than I have in a while. I’m thrilled I feel pretty again. I’m ecstatic that my energy is building up. I’m worried about the next scan results. I’m concerned I’m too confident when I say “I won’t need chemo again because the cancer is gone”. I’m terrified that I’ll be stuck with these last tumorous 6mm and won’t achieve N.E.D. . I’m panicking thinking of the future. I’m nervous about all these intrusive thoughts. I’m calm and let them invade and have their say. I’m listening to their side. I’m letting them go. I’m determined to be cancer free. I’m positive that I’m already N.E.D. . I’m trying to be patient for the next scan that will confirm this🤞
And then I realise that this is what it feels when one goes insane. And my eye starts twitching and lights flicker😵‍💫
Nope, just the flickering lights of the Christmas tree, resembling magnificently how many different thoughts and emotions are popping through my head and how fast they are shifting from one to the other at a matching tempo🫠

Part of me wants to write that festivities are difficult anyway😑
Another part of me wants to say that it’s going to be particularly difficult this year, with this new doom shadow as my bosom (literally) friend😒
And then there is the part that wants to go all out and wish you all Seasons Greetings and advise you to make the most of it🙃
So I’m settling for this:
Just be. Be in the moment, be in the day, be in bed, be eating, be singing, be crying, be eye-rolling, be shopping, be sleeping, be binge-watching, be…
Just be whatever! And let others be too❤
So, Merry Whatever everyone and on to many many more Merry Whatevers!!! 😉😘