Was fast asleep the other night and woke up due to pain in my armpit. The armpit that does not have cancer. Still drowsy and thinking “I slept wrong” I traced my fingers over the painful bit and found a lump. A very painful solid lump😵‍💫

First thought was “I have to stop using that deodorant”. Half a second later my eyes flew open because I haven’t used “that deodorant” in years. I told myself: cancerous lumps don’t grow overnight and they’re not painful. The little voice of doubt and fear crept up and said “ibc spreads fast” and “cancerous lumps can be painful”.

But this was the other armpit. The left one. The coming-up-in-scans-all-clear one. Could it have spread? Was it already there, not detectable and now that I stopped chemo, screamed “carpe diem” and grew?

I went to the bathroom to have a look. It was visible, not red, but it was there. My instinct told me it was nothing to worry about. My heart though was pounding in my ears, getting its cardio workout from my brain that was coming up with all possible scenarios of gloom.

I cried and started the “I don’t want to die” mantra🫠

In the morning I called oncology (note: it was the weekend) and as calmly as I could, explained the appearance of my new armpit friend. The nurse on the phone was lovely. When she heard that it was the other armpit she said “your hair has started to grow back, right? It could be an ingrown hair”. This calmed me a little. “In any case, I’m writing this all up in your file. Call tomorrow at 8 even if it’s better, for an update”. I agreed and thanked her. She asked that I call again if I still wasn’t sure. She spent time on the phone with me. She didn’t dismiss me. I felt heard and seen and acknowledged❤️

And I felt utterly relieved when I checked the lump again in the evening, only to find that it had formed a head and was now an angry spot with pus. And I called and informed the next day and they were relieved with me and added “a healthy body produces spots to get rid of stuff. Your body is fighting. It’s a good sign!” And I cried again this time with a smile😁

Excerpt from my life’s chapter “how I learned to stop worrying and love my lumps instead”, paragraph “for effing sake”🫣